Bah! Women!
by White Rose Archer
Summary: Upper PG13 for odd as all hecks situations. Takes place before anything shown in the series. What happens when Spike starts dating and Vicious takes it upon himself to help? DISASTER! OOC, Spike can't talk to girls, Vicious says "dude" too much.


[Don't ask what possessed me to write this.   
  
Disclaimer: .....someday... ]

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Bah! Women!  
  
Prologue  
  
It was right after my 21st birthday and I could finally start living life. [1]I could drink, look at porn and buy cigarettes all I wanted. Vicious, who was a year older than me, was right, being 21 rules. "Ok, man," he was now saying a week after my party. "It's time you got more acquainted with the thing you heard about in grade school, dreamed about in Middle school and were educated about in high school. "  
  
"Sex? Beer? Drugs? Porn?"  
  
"No, man. Dating!!" he said, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me. "You can finally meet sluts and have week-long relationships with them. "  
  
"What's the difference between that and High school dating?"   
  
Vicious rolled his eyes. "Because, now girls aren't gonna ask you to come over to their house every two minutes," he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.   
  
So, that's how I ended up at Tenrankai[2] Bar, in the year 2068.

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Chapter 1  
  
"It's all about the 'tude, dude."  
  
The bar itself was musty, smoky and generally shady looking. It smelled of alcohol and cigarettes, along with body odor and a smell Vicious said I would come to appreciate. The color scheme was dull navy and faded yellow, so me and my odd sense of fashion blended right in. A sax tune I recognized as Slipper Sleaze filled the air with a smooth, yet taunting melody. The only source of light came from a few florescent lights in the ceiling and a broken pinball game toward the back.   
  
"This is an awesome place to start, Spike."   
  
I stared at him. "You've got to be kidding me,"I growled. "This place frickin' reeks." I heard a giggle toward my right. Two fat girls with too much make-up were waving at me, blowing kisses. "Not to mention that the chicks are ugly as hell."   
  
"That's why it's a perfect place,"he muttered back, grinning. "Now, you learn the art of women. "  
  
"The art of women? You sound like you're talking about martial arts, not girls."   
  
"Same thing. The wrong type of guy can be hurt by either one."  
  
"You're a freak, Vicious."  
  
"I know. Now observe, Grasshopper of the Poof Do." With that, he grabbed my arm and strode over to some ugly chick at the bar with too much body fat, about an inch of cover-up on her face and you could still see enough zits to wonder if she was still 16. Vicious' usually scary as all hells face, melted into a cheerful pleasant look, that made me want to gag. "Hello, there, miss. This is my friend, Spike Taikutsu. "  
  
She smiled. Good god, she looks worse when she smiles. Get it away! "Hello, there Spike. My name is Sarah," It said at an attempt at a seduction voice. It's name is scarred into my brain now. Girls named Sarah have been bad news for me since fifth grade when that dorky girl who sat in front of me for Math class insisted I was cheating. I hate Sarahs.[3]  
  
"Err, yo... Vicious, can I talk to you for a sec?" With that, I pulled him away by his loose tie, toward a panchiko machine. "Number 1, are you sure that _thing_ was female?" I growl, quietly. "And number 2, why'd you say my name is Taikutsu when it ain't."  
  
He grinned. "I ain't too sure if it's a girl or not but all you need to be sure of is that it knows how to flirt. And do you want her to know your real, full name. She could look up your number, your address and then you'd never get rid of her. "  
  
I blinked in confusion before my brain said, "Yes, he is right, dip shit." He aggravates me when he's right. "OK, genius. What do you suggest I do now that it knows my fake name."   
  
"Flirt with her," he said, mimicking my whispering growl.   
  
"Ewwwwwwwwww... Dude, that's the kind of girl who makes straight men go flamboyantly gay within five minutes."   
  
"You coming onto me?"  
  
"NASTY!!!!" I howled, provoking a response from half the bar. The response was something like a loud **SCOOT** noise and about 15 to 20 people staring at us. While I had my "Deer in the headlights" look, Vicious had figured something out to make the crowds understand.   
  
"Yeah, and the worst part is he wore all pink and rainbow. That's what happens when a gay man flirts with a straight man, my friend." While dragging me back to... shudder... It, Vicious leaned into my ear and growled, "You. So. Owe. Me."   
  
"No. Shit," I replied.   
  
**_About two days later_**  
  
I was waiting for Vicious at our favorite bar, Blues Bar Nights. It was a bit more classy than the last one, but not show-off enough to be for rich snobs. The place had cigarette smoke but it was in an art form-ish way. Swanky jazz tunes and dull blues songs took hold of the place, giving it a dark appearance. Dark blue lights and silhouettes of people gave it a mysterious quality.   
  
Finally, Vicious came through the door and sat at our usual booth. "Well, how that thing with Sarah going?"  
  
"It's not, we broke up yesterday when I bought her some acne cream and suggested she use it," I replied, smiling.   
  
"Well, done, man, you've finally learned the art of the breakup. Now, we can move on to more complicated stuff," he said, with an evil glint in his eye.   
  
Oh Chirst...

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[1]= I'm not too sure of Spike's age in the series, but we're making it 24.  
  
[2]= Tenrankai means "Exhibition". It has nothing to do with the chapter but I like how it sounded.   
  
[3]= No offense if your name is Sarah. 

Thankies! Review, pleeeeeeeease? Please? If you don't, I'll cry.


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